Not What I Seem
© By Anonymous
I used to say that would never be me,
But people change and become not what they seem.
I have a secret no one knows,
I hide from all, my mistakes and my goals.
The decisions I've made and the choices that I picked,
Became footsteps along the path of pain and being sick.
I'm only sixteen I shouldn't have to deal,
But I've come to realize because of me this is real.
I'm too stubborn to ask for help or assistance,
I'm too strong to let it get the best of me in an instant.
Yet I'm to weak to beat it on my own,
And I can't ask for help because of reasons unknown.
I'm scared of where I'm headed,
But I like where it got me, and now it feels needed.
I can't live without it, and yet I won't live with it,
The consequences are deadly and yet I just can't quit it.
I have so much support and encouragement,
I have friends and family who love me.
I know I can do it if I could just find my will,
But it has abandoned me all alone to struggle up this hill.
I can't let go it just can't be done,
But if I can't loosen my grasp then I'm gone.
Leaving the people I love and cherish,
To deal with the fact that I've perished.
I won't do that to those I love,
And yet I won't tell them how I truly feel.
Alone and abandoned in this lake of sorrow,
No sun shining through to vanquish the shadows.
It's a scary place to be stranded,
And because of myself I have to stand it.
I alone walked this path,
And now everyone has to deal with the aftermath.
Is it fair what I've done to those I love?
To make them deal with my moods and attitude.
I made the choice to come to this place
And all I do is hide what I feel and do behind a vacant face.
I want to tell them all I'm sorry,
To beg for forgiveness and make it all history.
But I can't swallow my pride
And admit that I was wrong, and that yes maybe they were right
To find my will power and ask for help,
And have unconditional love and support.
They'll tell me no matter what we'll be here,
And that I can do this and I can kick this addiction.
Now that I've wrote it I just have to say
And remind myself I'm beautiful no matter what and worth so much everyday
I will beat this because I 'm stronger than it thinks,
And frankly not being capable of doing anything stinks!
I'm going to play soccer again and run,
I'm going to wake-up, put my foot down and have fun.
Because a life of regrets and overwhelming guilt
Of weekly appointments and being constantly sick,
Is not worth the beauty achieved by being bulimic.....
